For those of you who don't know, I've been a part of the "She's Still There" Rescue Masterminds Team for a few months! It's been such an amazing experience and even more beautiful watching women around the world share their stories of pain, growth and God's ridiculous love!
Well, today a question was asked in the group and I had an immediate answer, but I wasn't exactly thrilled to share it with the masses. So, I was going to just sit on it. Then I remembered, that entire point of the She's Still There journey is to be open while healing (well, that's my short version).
The question was, "What are the things around you that are harmful to who you want to be?" And without hesitation, I knew the answer for me was anxiety. I haven't been shy about discussing my past dysfunctional relationship with anxiety and today shouldn't be any different!
So, below is actually a letter I wrote (that'll probably be in the next book) to officially end my relationship with anxiety!
Well, I hope your day has been absolutely amazing! I know this is a little abrupt and probably out of the blue for you, but there is something I really really really need to get off my chest with you. We’ve been together so long that I honestly don’t remember my life without you. I mean you have been with me since I was 14 years old that I can remember and probably a little before then. We have shared the best of times and the worst of times. Actually, you became a bigger part of my life during the worst of times; equally, you have nearly ruined my life when it should have been the best of times. Okay, so I know that took a left turn rather quickly, but at least I’m honest.
You might have noticed that I’ve been distant from you lately. Taking some time to clear my head and evaluate what it is we’re doing here. We have been in this relationship for nearly all of my teen years and for my entire adult life. Did you catch that?! MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE! And for what?! We have been together for 15 years and what do I have to show for it?! Sleepless nights, creating problems in my head when things really weren’t that complicated, internalized shame, fear of being great, choosing to believe the worst about myself and so much more! And here you are, just relaxing and being yourself. Choosing to take from me, but never contributing anything actually beneficial to this partnership. If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m really mad at you! But this is all about to come to an end soon and by soon, I mean today. Actually right this minute.
The purpose of this letter is to break up with you. Yes, I am breaking up with you (say it three times slowly until it sinks into your heart). I know this is a conversation better had in person, but you’re stubborn, unreasonable and wouldn’t listen, so the letter it is. You don’t deserve anymore of my life. You don’t deserve anymore of my attention. And if I can keep it all the way honest, distancing myself from you these past few months has been the best I felt in years. Oh, I’m sorry. Did that hurt your feelings?? Well, good! You’ve hurt my life much more.
I would say that I hope we can be friends in the future, but I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t want you to find someone else and I don’t want you to be happy. Maya Angelou said that if someone shows you who they are, believe them. Well, you’ve shown me that you mean no good for me and others you’ve come in contact with, so whyyyyyyyyyy would I want you to attach yourself to someone else.
So here’s the truth. I hope you never find another person in life. I hope you live out the rest of your life alone, watching all the people you’ll never have chance distract and destroy. But if you don’t remember anything else from this letter, remember I am breaking up with you. Don’t call me, don’t text me and don’t try sending messages through other people because all of you will be on that block list together.
Anxiety, this is it for us.